Funny Announcements

[Erin]

I start:

Stewardess: "I'm sorry sir but I can't lift your heavy bag into the overhead luggage bin. These are tits not muscles!"

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If we are what we eat, then some pilots should eat more chicken

[ex_flight_attendant]

Stewardess to passenger after lengthy arguement about stowing briefcase resulting in pax telling stewardess to stick his bag up her ass

"I'd love to sir but I have 2 up there already".

[SOBRECARGO]

true story=after a hard landing,a little old lady asked the captain "did you land the plane or were we shot down"? the captain feeling insulted by her question and noticing the old ladie's frowning face asked her."is that your face or your ass"?

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"calm down sir i said we were out of chicken not fuel"

[Erin]

"Ladies and gentlemen this is your Captain speaking, in preparation for landing I would like to request that you remain seated with your seat belts securely fasted and please return our flight attendants to the upright position and remove any lipstick that might be on your pants!!"


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If we are what we eat, then some pilots should eat more chicken

[flyboydc]

I hope that wasn't a real announcement! If a captain said that on my flight, I would, immediately after landing, at the very least, pour hot coffee on his lap.

Anyway, I heard this once, so I used it the other day. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a through flight to Orlando. Here at United, flight attendants are responsible for cleaning the plane on through flights, and we could sure use some help. So, if you'd like to stay behind, and help us clean the plane, please indicate your desire to do so by standing up before the seat belt sign is turned off."

[Delayed]

hahahaha http://www.crewstart.com/ubb/images/icons/smile.gif That one is great!

I've heard this one:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to San Francisco...please use caution when opening the overhead bins as you may be KILLED by falling luggage, and that would create a lot more paperwork for us!"

[Jenny@Nw]

at lovely Nwa http://www.crewstart.com/ubb/images/icons/grin.gif(all of these were from the capt)
On a very early morning departure from Memphis where there were only 15 pax:
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you could help us and move to the window , we would greatly appreciate your help...(pause) so we can give our competitors the impression that we have a full flight today, thank you for your cooperation.
after the usual capt's spil he gives ( you know, the flight plan, ect ect ect seat belts):
If any one of you are an aviation enthusiast, feel free to bother the passenger at 1b, because he may not be looking like it but Mr. "blank-blank" has been flying with us for about 30 years and he will gladly give pointers and aviation advice. And if he may appear as if he is sleeping, feel free to bother him because he really doesnt mind.

And this was during the usual spil about seatbelts and stuff from a captain:
And if you didn't listen and pay attention to our rules and were standing up in the aisles during turbulence and get thrown into first class, we hope you are dressed appropriately...


[This message has been edited by Jenny@Nw (edited March 13, 2001).]

[Greg-DTW]

Jenny, I loved that last part..... LOL

I really wish I had the #$%## to make THAT P.A......

I am just dying to know what biological phenomena occurs that induces the urgent need to urinate upon seeing the presence of a meal/beverage cart in the aisle.... no cart, no need..... see a cart, gotta pee! I just don't get it!!!!! It just sets my ASS on fire!

[ifly]

Ok this is not an announcement, but funny still...

As we are flying over EGYPT on our way to LXR, this pax looks out the window and says to the other pax next to her... "I´m wondering... is this the NILE or the GANGES down there..."

[push_here]

Landed at Newark on a 727. The portable exit light cover at door 1l falls on the flight attendant making welcome announcement. Comes over PA like this: "Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to SHIT Newark"

[Greg-DTW]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Arial, Verdana ">quote:<HR>Originally posted by push here:
Landed at Newark on a 727. The portable exit light cover at door 1l falls on the flight attendant making welcome announcement. Comes over PA like this: "Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to SHIT Newark"<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Isn't that what we're SUPPOSED to say??????

[Erin]

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry......Unfortunately none of them are on this flight"

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If we are what we eat, then some pilots should eat more chicken

[Belg1972]

I remember a very respectable lady (purser) when I started some years ago.

She was doing the safety demo announcement on a bilingual french-dutch flight:

"En cas d'une ejaculation, le couloir est equipé d'un cheminement lumineux [...]" [In case of an ejaculation, the aisle is equipped with an emergency path light....]

She noticed she said something wrong as we were smiling at our best. No pax noticed it.. too busy watching us I think (NOT)

B..

[Jenny@Nw]

I heard someone say "welcome to the Twin Titties" in their announcement. HA HA HA
all the laughter you heard were from MEN.

[This message has been edited by Jenny@Nw (edited March 20, 2001).]

[Captain_Anonymous]

"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft"

"As you exit the plane, please make sure you gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses"

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots fly much better than they drive so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal"
"Sorry for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."



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[Dutch-Boy]

We were being positioned on Air Afrique from DAKAR to CDG and everyone was already on the plane and after 3 hours and 25 minutes (Still on the ground in dakar) the captain announce over the PA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speking....were just about ready for our departure. we would like to appologize for our delay because we had to meet some technical requirement checks for our landing in Europe".....The i said, i really wanted to know that......and the bitter thing was that the aircraft that we were in was a A330-200 wich they received last december......uhuh???

[travatl]

"Flight Attendants, prepare your doors for departure, cross dress, and all call."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the hard landing. It wasn't the captain's fault, it wasn't the first officer's fault, that......was the asphault."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the hard landing. Please remain comfortably seated until Captain Smith brings what's left of the aircraft to the gate."

"Once again ladies and gentlemen, this is flight 450, nonstop service to Atlanta. If Atlanta is not part of your itinerary, it very soon will be."

[Erin]

" Ladies and gentlemen, as you have noticed we have landed at...." http://www.crewstart.com/ubb/images/icons/grin.gif

( After a hard landing)

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If we are what we eat, then some pilots should eat more chicken

[High_Altitude]

If you read this and know a few more, pls post because I will make a webpage out of it!

Thanks all for your contributions!

High Altitude,
moderator

[redhandle]

"Cabin Crew........SIT!"

[DTWFlyer]

I Was making a welcome announcement about two months ago I Was looking at the flight time while I was doing it, it came out like this:

"Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome Aboard Northwest Airlines Flight Number 69, Featuring Non-Stop Service from Detroit to Osaka-Kansai International. My name is Nate, I'll be the Lead Flight Attendant. After we take off today, our Flying time will be 14 hours and 5 minutes, Hope you Hemroid Cream http://www.crewstart.com/ubb/images/icons/smile.gif "

Got a good laugh from the senior mommas. (But that was the only thing they laughed at)

[ifly]

From the captain over PA:

"Liebe Sandra, du willst doch sicher heim,
fahr doch bitte die hintere Stiege ein"

meaning: "Dear Sandra I´m sure you want to go home, so please retract the aft stairway"
instead of: "cabin crew - Arm slides"

[travatl]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for our continued delay here at the gate. Unfortunately our machine that rips the handles off your bags is not working properly and our ramp agents are having to do it by hand."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for our lengthy operational delays prior to departure. However, please understand the 5,000 professionals of this airline really are trying hard not to suck."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop at the gate and the seat belt signs have been turned off. Then feel free to jump up, clobber your neighbors, and race like Hell to be the first off the aircraft. Enjoy your stay."

[Dan]

Capt. over P.A:

"We're coming in to land and it's looking neat,
so girls and boys get your bums on your seat!"

[airdude]

cabin angels, take your havenly seats ! images/icons/tongue.gif

[skyhi]

Hey Jenny:

I have flown with that DC9 captain (MEM based, I believe) who makes the amusing announcements. When I flew with him, American Airlines pilots were participating in a sick out and we were flying in and out of DFW. He instructed the pax to sit in the window seat and wave to the working AA pilots. Wish more captains were like him.

Happy motoring!
Skyhi images/icons/grin.gif

[BWIFlyBoi]

After bouncing down the runway in a 767-200ER after a SFO-BOS allnighter...

"Also, please take care when opening overhead bins, because after that landing, items *will* have shifted"

[AN@SYD]

This was funny at the time, a Purser with an Indian accent was making the after take off PA....

Ladies and Gentlemen, your crew will shortly be offering a bar service which will be followed by lunch, after which our EXPENSIVE range of duty free will be offered as a chair side service.
I guess he meant EXTENSIVE range of duty free. Needless to say, not many duty free books were opened that day!!

[push_here]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Detroit. Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened. Our pilots are much better fliers than drivers.

[slt]

Does any remember this AF purser on European routes welcoming the pax aboard this AEROPLAN....
Mermoz surely remembers

[airwiz]

I actually heard this while Nonreving on WN about three weeks ago. We had an unusually turbulent app to SAN, and you know what a bear that can be on the best of days. The ("Otis" drop.)Anyway, whoever had the stick flared way too early with the predictable result. KaaaThump!! Shortly after, when everyone was checking for their dentures or loosened body parts and we were taxing back to the terminal...I heard "Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen..on behalf of Capt. Kangaroo we'd like to welcome you to San Diego's Lindbergh field. Please remain comfortably seated for a few more minutes while we bounce our way over to the terminal. If there are any Chiropractors aboard, I'd suggest that about now is a good time to drop a bunch of your business cards in the aisle. " images/icons/shocked.gif

[Flyin'_Carpet]

I was working a flight to IAH. After landing I went to the lav, where I have found a gold ring. I made an announcement via PA, but nobody claimed the ring. However everybody was laughing. After deplaning, other crew members asked me what kind of WIG I found.
I know I really said RING in my PA, but with my accent (I'm Polish) it sounded like WIG.
The crew was teasing me for the reminder of the trip and made the announcement every leg.
Even I think it was very funny images/icons/grin.gif

[ 04-26-2001: Message edited by: Flyin' Carpet ]

[RFR]

Heard on a SW Flight, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Our pilots are toilet trained so please don't leave your newspapers on the floor."

On a Saudia flight, " Welcome to Riyadh. Please set your watches back 5000 years." (She was fired for that one...)

From one of our captains after a VERY hard landing, "Well, folks, I hope it was as good for you as it was for me."

From another captain after I did my nice polite PA about picking up gate checked bags inside the jetway, "Foks, what she means is if y'all left them at the door, you'll get them back at the door."

When flying on the old ATR and making the PA about aisle path lighting, the aisle path lighting started flashing and a voice from the cockpit broke in with "Dance, baby dance - Disco Inferno!" images/icons/grin.gif

[Raymond]

As a male purser i was welcoming the pax when they entered the plane... at some point 2 (in their minds funny) guys came in and i said "good morning" They answered back: "i always thought there was this beautifull bitch standing here te greet me!!!"
On which i replied: "you should see me on a saturday night!"....
They took their seats without saying a word for the whole flight....

happy landings, Raymond

[Transdude]

just flown with this purser once images/icons/grin.gif images/icons/tongue.gif images/icons/grin.gif

[airdude]

images/icons/wink.gif Heard this one a while ago, ladies and gentleman may i have your attention for a moment please ??? thank u ...... and nothing further, i think that all transpeople know who this purser is images/icons/grin.gif

[Raymond]

Now i would really like 2 know ho that is guys!!!! images/icons/smile.gif

[Franco757]

...not me!!

[Transdude]

me neither.

and I don't tell names...

[redhandle]

He knows by now. I told him in person images/icons/tongue.gif Or did I? Now everyone is informed images/icons/grin.gif

[SBAM]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Arial, Verdana ">quote:<HR>Originally posted by slt:
Does any remember this AF purser on European routes welcoming the pax aboard this AEROPLAN....
Mermoz surely remembers<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

At Af, (allthough there has been a lot of improvement)..all the captains are named "Speaking"...as in "Ladies and Gentlemen, zees ees captain speaking."

[SBAM]

Heard on an UTA (now merged with AF) flight
flying from somewhere in west Africa to Paris:
Announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just landed at Paris, Charles de Gaulle airport, where the current temperature is zero degrees."

One passenger's (loud) reaction:
"What!!!??? There is NO temperature????!!

[AerialWaitress]

Had a giggle at all of those announcements, I must remember to use a few if I ever become Cabin Manager!

I had to do the safety demonstration on the BAe146-300.. it was a full demo, had to put on the lifejacket, show the card etc. because there's no videos on the aircraft. The other FA was doing the PA, after explaining very seriously how to put the seatbelt on the PA continued something like this :
If required, oxygen will drop from the panel above your head. Stop screaming, then place the mask over your nose and mouth, secure the headstrap and breathe normally. Share your mask with infants.
(Then he spoke about how to put on the lifejacket..)
To inflate the lifejacket, pull down on the red tabs. On the jacket there is a light, for reading, and a whistle to attract passing sailors.

It was a struggle to keep a straight face!

[Welcome_Aboard]

I found this post on some other message board a long time ago…can’t remember which one. The person was giving an example of “What if we told the passengers the truth?” I saved it because I thought it was funny and wish I knew who to give credit for it.

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Do passengers really want to know the truth???…… images/icons/wink.gif

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have rejected our landing due to the fact that we came within 2 seconds of colliding with a very large and flammable object similar to our own. If the thought of this scares you, let me assure you that most of you would never have known what hit you. Most of the passengers onboard would have been killed instantly in the collision. Anyone lucky enough to survive the impact would not escape the raging inferno that would ensue as about 25000 gallons of jet fuel ignited only moments after impact. I hope you appreciate my truth and candor in this situation. Thank you for flying XYZ Airlines!!!"