Sex addict

[Snackpack]

Dear All,

I don't know if this forum is supposed to be just for funny stuff. But this is not funny. And it's true and I'm not making it up.

One of my oldest friends (since elementary school) has become a sex addict. I don't mean someone who just enjoys sex, I mean someone who has gone completely overboard, spends thousands of dollars on escorts and strippers and hides all of this from his wife.

To make matters worse for me, I consider his wife one of my oldest friends, too. I've known her since high school (I think I met her before HE did!).

Anyway, I'm worried that this person is going to screw up his marriage big time, lose his wife, kids, possibly his health and all of a sudden be alone and middle-aged. Money is not a problem for this person. They've got so much his wife supposedly doesn't even realize how much this is costing. After realizing the true depth of his problem, I can only conclude that either she really doesn't know, or she's in denial.

These are not people I see often--used to be a couple times a year as we live in separate countries. All of this came out when we got together last summer and at first I just tried to laugh it off.

Since then my friend has called me like a zillion times and I refuse to pick up. I don't call back. I'm really uncomfortable with this especially because I like him and his family and I feel like if I'm around him I'm condoning his behaviour and hiding something from his wife.

Although I have known this person for over thirty years, I can't seem to bring myself to talk to him any more. From the last message he left on my machine, he seems to think I'm mad at him (but what for I don't have a clue). I don't want to break off our friendship forever but, damn, I just don't know what to do!

OK Doctors. What do you all think? If this forum was just supposed to be for funny stuff I'm sorry to put a damper on things because I'm serious and I swear on the Bible I didn't make any of this up.

Confused Snackpack

[flymeaway]

How would you deal with it if he were an alcoholic or drug addict? Addiction is addiction...maybe it will help you figure out what to do if you look at it from a different angle like that?

I know what you mean about feeling like you're condoning it if you say nothing...in addiction-speak, I think they call that being an enabler. By turning a blind eye, you're enabling him to continue this behavior. But it is a lot of responsibility for you if you force the issue...and that can be tough, too.

Maybe you could confront him about it, and demand he seek some help - and if he doesn't, then you will spill the beans to his spouse. I know an ultimatum sounds childish, but I think you have to be firm with addiction. But I'm no doctor, so these are just amateur suggestions from experience dealing with an alcoholic relative.

It sounds like you want to do something, the way that you were writing....I imagine it is stressful to know about it. Good luck to you and your friends. Maybe someone will reply who has dealt with sex addiction...

[Karen 737]

I have to agree with flymeaway on this one.
If this was a drink or a drug problem, how would you try to deal with it?
In any case, (drink, sex etc.) it is a difficult subject to talk about, but, I think you should call him back!
Discuss your opinions, ask him how he feels, what he thinks and what he'd lose!
Do confront him, and, do tell us what happens so far, I'm sure it will be a relief to get it off both of your chests.

[Doc._K_N_Owitall]

Wow,

You pose a tough one.
I normally always say: do the right thing.
But this guy really stands to lose a lot.

My first instinct was to tell him to lay it all out on the table at home.
And to threaten that if he wouldn't, you would.
But then you would only tell her that there is a serious problem and that you don't want to be in the middle but that she really needs to talk to him.

Then I was thinking: If he is calling that much, he's probably not considering your emotions.
He's either worried you'll spill the beans.
Or figured you for a potential fuck-buddy. (excuse my French).

He's a grown man, think of yourself.
How much do you really want to be friends with these people.
If you cut all ties you won't.
If you spill you probably won't but might.
If you play nice then are you really ?
Can you answer this question ?
Would she prefer to live in denial or have her live turned upside-down ?

Now I think I would leave it alone and go my merry way ......

You know it is going to come out, right ?
Just might take a while.
Addictions like that don't go away.
You could still decide to catch one or the other afterwards.


... Doctor Kevin Niles Owitall

[Snackpack]

I'd like to thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate them.

There's no way I could ever tell his wife about this. I can't even bring myself to confront him, let alone become the catalyst that causes the collapse of his marriage. That would just be too much of a betrayal--you see, we were in cub scouts together, we spent much of our childhood summers sleeping in tents in our backyards, we would occasionally skip school together, always have dinner at grandparents on Sundays. When his parents briefly had marital problems, he came and stayed with my family for a while. He was the closest thing to a brother I ever had. Hell, I was in his wedding!

We did grow apart over the years for the simple reason that I went to live far away from the little town in the boonies where we grew up.

I've talked a lot with my friends about how to deal with this. I've heard, if you can't talk to him, write it all down, send him a letter (I can't--what if SHE finds it?)

Call his cell phone when you know he's not there and leave a message about how uncomfortable this makes you and that you want a break and can't talk to him right now (I can't--what if SHE were to listen to the message?)

I know now in a twisted way my difficulty in talking to him is much deeper. He is straight as nails but was the first (only?) person in that little, conservative town I came out of the closet to. I remember the day I told him I was gay and what he said to me like it was yesterday: "You know you're the only faggot I'll ever care about!". It was sweet--really, bittersweet sweet I guess--but I was so relieved to get his acceptance. Understand this was pre-internet, pre-ATMs, pre-Oprah--I think back then Phil Donahue had gays on some of his shows and that made national headlines.

Anyway, my point is, there was a time in my life when his approval of me was really important-and he didn't negatively judge ME and now I see this situation he's in and it's like, I'm paralysed. I know he might be on the verge of ruining his life. He might not want my approval but he certainly doesn't want my disapproval. Don't anyone think that I'm even remotely equating being gay with sex addiction. That would be absurd. I myself am Mr. Stablity in person (with my partner-first love-for almost 23 years, at the same bank for 17, we had our cat for over 12 but she recently passed away.) Whoa. I've got to stop now. I'm actually starting to confuse myself.

Has anyone out there known anyone with sex addiction?

Has anyone been in a situation where two friends committed to a relationship and then later one started to cheat? How did you deal with that? I know it's not like this friend has a mistress that he really loves--that would be so different--but this is starting to keep me up at night and I am going to have to call him sooner or later.

[Audrey]

Snackpack, that IS a tough one. I guess, when it comes down to it, you have to weigh out your options and decide which is the least painful for both you and your friend.

One of my close friends recently approached me with a similar issue. His best friend has been cheating for the past year and he can no longer handle the friendship. He’s in the same boat: left with a tough decision to make.

Keeping your mouth shut and continuing the friendship is obviously too difficult.
You could confront your friend and tell him you can’t continue the friendship due to his infidelity. However, in your recent post you expressed your desire to be there for him, as he was for you, so this is out of the question. You don’t want to call or write him so your only option left is to confront your friend in person (the next time he calls) and offer to help him sort through his problem (read: he needs to get professional help).

Snackpack, I've got more to say :grin:, but for some reason the system won't let me send long posts... I'll continue below....

[Audrey]

So... as I was saying.... :grin:

That’s the key: He has to want to help himself. As with any addiction, HE has to be the one to take the first step. There’s some major stress or underlying emotion fueling all of this that you are unaware of. Since sex is his outlet, chances are his wife is already feeling the effects. I doubt you would want to confront his wife. The aftermath between your friend and his spouse could get ugly – and I doubt you would want to be involved in that. Regardless, if you truly want to be there for him, you could offer to help him get through this. But only if he wants to get through it. If he doesn’t, and you can’t handle the friendship (just like my friend) then you may have to cut ties. My friend plans on doing just that, as much as it pains him, if his unfaithful friend doesn’t clean up his act soon.

Oh geez… I’ve had too much coffee today. Quite the long-winded reply! Time to unplug the Braun automatic drip! :grin:

Audrey

[Snackpack]

Not long-winded at all, Audrey! If anyone is long-winded , it's me. Oddly enough, I'm almost finding it therapeutic for me to write about this and I'm glad to have more feedback to read on this subject. It was so good to hear from someone who has a friend in a situation similar to mine. I really want to thank you for speaking up.

I know you're right. He needs professional help. Some kind of therapy, I suppose. It's occurred to me that when I do manage to make myself talk to him, this is something we're going to have to discuss. I don't know how far that will go. I remember when we were both in university (on different continents) there was a short time when he was in therapy for a completely different reason...and that came to a sudden and abrupt end because he ended up sleeping with his therapist--I kid you not! I guess this was a long time in coming and I should have seen it earlier. The next therapist will have to be male because at least then there won't be some kind of bizarre challenge for him to have sex! I almost can't believe I'm writing this but that's how I see it.

You're also right about him having to want to help himself. That part I guess I won't have any control over. I can't will him to want to help himself . He'll have to want that on his own. I suppose I could try to make him see all that he has to lose but I tried that this summer before pretending to laugh all of this off and he's convinced that his wife will never find out.

It's so bizarre sometimes how life goes. It seems like you're young and carefree, then all hormoned out and frustrated in adolescence, then after that people get older and go off their own. My partner and I have an amazing relationship and spent our entire adult lives together but seem to constantly stress aboout paying the bills and mortgage. This friend of mine, on the other hand, has more money than the average couple should ever need in their entire lives, a super wife who worked herself up from the nominally uneducated lower middle classes to become a successful medical doctor, they have the cutest kids and yet the thing that interests my friend the most is the next piece of ass he can go out and PAY for.

I used to think that what you don't know won't hurt you, but not any more. I have to go now. Thanks again for what you said above.

[Doc._K_N_Owitall]

Another way of looking at it.
He's getting all the ass he wants, probably some fairly nice looking ones too.
She's getting a pretty nice lifestyle, and with all his practice, probably good sex too.
You got the life you chose.
Maybe it's just time to buy each other a beer and toast to the good life.
Bottoms up !

[Snackpack]

You make an interesting point, there, Doctor and made me crack a smile. I think maybe I'm just analyzing this to death and should put it back on the back burner for a while longer unless anyone else has any more ideas. Thanks and cheers!

[Snackpack]

Hi there again Doc! It's really late and I"m on my way to bed. I just re-read your post and realize you wrote: "You got the life you chose."

Hmmm. What exactly did you mean by that? PS: Please think about it and be careful! That back burner's starting to feel like it might be getting too hot...

[Doc._K_N_Owitall]

I'm not a big believer in destiny. I'd like to think we're in control of the direction our life takes. You choose to be in a long-term committed relationship. You have the option to be single, working in a bar, for instance. Nobody is holding a gun to your head telling you how to live your life. It is your choice. That's how I see it.

Now if anybody out there is completely unsatisfied with the direction they're headed, get up and do something about it. This is it, this is your life. And it is going pretty fast. Take responsibility. Don't be afraid of life. You have to go for what you want.

Sure not every aspect is within your control, but then again your reaction to those events is. You've got to take charge. I do realize some people need a little help in that area. And there are plenty of us that want to tell you how they see it. It is still your choice. I think you have the life you chose, as do I

That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.


- Kevin Niles Owitall -

[Snackpack]

Doctor, doctor, you wrote:

"Sure not every aspect is within your control, but then again your reaction to those events is. You've got to take charge. I do realize some people need a little help in that area. And there are plenty of us that want to tell you how they see it. It is still your choice."

Great reminder for me! Don't know what I was thinking last night...but you put me back on track. Thanks!

[Dr. Loverboi]

There are a lot of opinions that have been made on this issue, and you'll have to choose the option that you're most comfortable with. What you choose will have a bearing on where your friendship goes in the future.

Put this back on the back burner and make sure the gas is turned off. You can over-analyze this issue, and the risk associated with that is driving yourself up a wall with it.

I need to make an important point here: Although I'm a master at sex and romance :grin:, I'm not a licensed therapist. Neither are any of the other moderators here. You may need to possibly consider bringing this to the attention of a licensed professional who can assist you.

[Karen 737]

<font color="pink"> You can't spy on people when they're mating, this isn't Animal Planet!
Talk to him, and remind him that inviting three hot guys over to your apartment for a "fourgy" does not qualify as group therapy
Kisses Poodles!
Karen </font color>

[Dr._Playmate]

You know, for some of us in "the industry", it's a lifestyle! :grin: Your friend needs to focus on geting himself on the road to recovery with professional help. You need to focus on your own sexual appetite! Don't get yourself caught in the middle of his problem. Instead, go get yourself caught up in some twisted, tantric sex position! Now GO!

[Elwing]

Snackpack, I have a friend who seems to have the same problem. Haven't seen that person a lot lately - makes me feel uncomfortable. I have discussed these and other issues but the friend doesn't seem to want to change. I think that person finds it all very exciting. So I let it be now - as some of you have said, to help someone, they have to want to be helped. And as a friend it's of course possible to help someone out of to give an advise - until a certain point. Then it's time to let go, and to leave to some professional. As a friend you can never be as objective as a pro.

[Jenny@Nw]

[Paddles_up]

In reply to:<hr />
you could offer to help him get through this.



Sometimes, the tough love approach is the only route.